i fucking hate the hills

“The Hills is on tonight!” This sentence has been exclaimed from the mouths of millions of brainless idiots three hours prior to the actual premiere every Monday night for far too many seasons. It amazes me that someone would actually “Shh” me during a television show literally about absolutely nothing. The things that come out of their mouths are completely fucking irrelevant. Do they even have jobs? How did they even become “famous”? It seems to me that almost everyone seems to think that it’s a basic need to tune in to what’s going on in the lives of these girls.

But in all honesty, if it weren’t for this show, how else would we know when a friends’ boyfriend, is, like, such a dickhead? Or whom would we turn to for fashion guidance? Who wouldn’t want to watch people complaining, answering their phone, and sitting down all the fucking time? ME. That’s who. Rest assured for the rest of the population, however, LC, Lo, Audrina and any of their other fucking dumb ass friends are there to clue you in to what has to be the realest and most important aspects of our lives.

Upon sitting through an episode, we get to see the girls dress up and go to lunch about thirteen times while discussing what happened the night before. I can tell you what fucking happened last night not only because I just watched it happen but because you do the same thing every goddamn night. Their nights consist of sitting in a booth at some lame ass club or sushi bar in LA drinking vodka sprites and talking about how much they hate everyone else involved in their pointless and shallow lives. The nights usually end in some sort of emotional distress, usually because one of their boyfriends is being an asshole, or they’re fighting about who’s the better friend. Either way I know they probably wouldn’t be fun to hang out with seeing as how they clearly can’t handle their liquor.

Despite none of this being entertaining what so ever, it could only be necessary to sit and repeat what happened after we just watched it as they sit and pick and their food and stare at each other while unable to make any form of connection with their so called friend because their brain capacity is that of a house fly’s. What the hell is wrong with everyone on this show that they have to stare at each other so much? I mean I was raised that it was ill mannered not to look at people in the eye when they’re talking to you, but come the fuck on, nobody ever needs to make that much eye contact.

Shall we move along to the music that pollutes this ridiculous show? What is this music you speak of? Oh you know, just the thing that gave this goddamn channel its well-known title? Fuck MTV. They do not show music videos nor do they have anything to do with music on TV. Some marketing genius came up with the idea of playing the newest songs in the background of these new MTV shows while listing the artists and titles at the bottom so all you have to do is race to your computer and download it. Aside from the fact the songs are usually fucking terrible, I will give them credit for actually cuing them to appropriate scenes. You can always tell that it’s going to be a commercial when LC stares off into the tiny cubicle office she doesn’t even work for and a nice somber melody evokes the torment she’s feeling because of something Spencer and Heidi did.

Just when I thought this show couldn’t get any more fucking stupid, I found out this show basically gave the talentless fuck LC a fashion line. Are you fucking kidding me? This shit looks like the how-to patterns that come with sewing kits that you buy at fucking Wal-Mart. Wow LC! Thank you for sewing solid colors and basic shapes together to “create” a piece of shit that my two-year-old cousin could glue together. Fuck The Hills. The only good thing about this show is that MTV created something that gets 99% of the idiots in this world out of the public for one hour per week.