10/12/88--5/3/09

I miss my friend. I came back Saturday from the most amazing week, happy as a clam, with my faith in humanity restored. I realized that there are people out there that care so much about what I care about. Hell, people from as far as Vancouver and New Zealand came here just to stand up for what they believed in. That was amazing. I felt amazing. I still feel amazing when I look back on it. I wish I could re-live that entire week every morning before I started my day. I would be in a blissful state for the rest of my life.

I woke up on Sunday to a series of phone calls of something that I didn't want to believe. The same thing happened when Candice died, and I never wanted to experience that again for a long, long time. I can't put into words my emotions because I am not sure if I have any left. I miss my friend. I will miss having in depth conversations about music. I will miss driving past her house and beeping. I will always remember us having to be moved to opposite sides of the room in classes, and yet we'd still talk. I will miss her sarcastic comments and wit and laughter and kindness and intelligence and smile and friendship. I miss my friend.

I will miss the girl that defied all stereotypes. I will miss the girl that had such strong determination and intelligence, yet was so humble. I will miss her sending me all of her "You Know You're Korean If" things. I will miss doing the "aZn PriDe" symbols every time I saw her. I will miss her coming to my parties and everybody freaking out. In fact, I will miss everyone freaking out just because of the fact that she was in the room. I will miss asking her on a daily basis if she had found the cure to cancer yet (I know in my heart that she would have.) I will miss the girl that put a smile on everybody's face. I will miss the girl that never once doubted me. I will miss my friend.

The only thing that is comforting me is that I know that her and Candice are doing calculus or something together, and laughing and reunited (and it feels so good.) This too shall pass, and now instead of one person looking out for me, I've got a dynamic duo. She would never want me or anyone to make a fuss about her, but I love her and need to honor a life that truly touched mine. She can now finally take it easy and relax.

in a world of suffering, why should i be so blessed?

I am typing this on my Blackberry on the floor of a church that is allowing us to set up camp for Chicago's The Rescue. I have spoken with people from Texas, Minnesota, Missouri, Indiana, Ohio, and Minnesota who have been so selfless as to come out here to support the cause. I am surrounded by so many good people right now and it truly warms my heart. The number of roadies coming in tomorrow from different places and/or COUNTRIES is supposed to double by 9 AM tomorrow.

I feel as if most everyone on this planet is interested in miniscule things in life (myself included, I'm typing this on a Blackberry for crying out loud. Talk about pointless.) However, that's all they are: things.

When we leave this Earth none of those things come with us. All we have is what we accomplished (or lack thereof), our talents, our passions, the relationships we formed with others... that is what matters. In the end we are all humans.

Why is it that so many people, who aside from all of our materialistic items and unimportant "needs," are just like us, and yet are forgotton? Why have so many people been denied their basic rights as HUMANS?

I can go on about Hurricane Katrina or all things Middle-Eastern... Basically a number of evil happenings that are in our current world, but the fact of the matter is this war in Central Africa has been going on for twenty three years.

If we cannot take the time to solve something that has been happening for so long, how do we expect anything else to get situated? How is the (Chicago) media even denying this particular event (The Rescue) be covered because they feel it brings bad press to the city? God forbit we be denied the graaaaaaand priviledge of hosting the 2016 Olympics..................

The fact of the matter is, I came out here with five of my friends who have the same compassion for others that I have and to see so many others warms my heart, it also breaks it just the same.

I guess I just wish more people cared. I wish people would take that extra ten minutes out of their day to get informed on something that is affecting so many innocent people.

But most turn the other way and ignore because they don't want to feel affected.

Today in my Enlightenment class we talked about the power of ego. That is the problem. People are afraid to let some emotions in because they are far too worried about themselves. I feel sad for those people.

I got a chance to see the three Invisible Children founders/filmmakers in the flesh (basically considered celeb status for me) and I am just so overwhelmed.

I have followed their work and been inspired by them for years and never had I dreamed I would be in the same room as them. Never had I imagined I would get to tell Bobby Bailey what an impact his work has made on my life. And I did! And I am really beyond elated.
Tomorrow is going to be an amazing day. I fully realized tonight what I want to do with my life and my future work and that is help people. Tonight goes down as the most inspiring moment I have encountered in my twenty years. Very cool.

punctuation is powerful

A college professor wrote
"A woman without her man is nothing" on the board and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All the males in the class wrote "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote "A woman: without her, man is nothing."


Punctuation is powerful.

fuck angelina jolie

I hope all these children adopted by Hollywood hags don't forget their African roots.

humans suck sometimes

I am spending this week in Florida, and since I spend the majority of my time on or near a computer, I figured I would stay away from one for one whole week. Since I have become quite accustomed to my Blackberry, I am sort of cheating and typing a blog on this. I don't even have to look sometimes as I type. It's pretty spectacular. Anywho, the one thing I refuse to get away from for a week is the news. This afternoon I was browsing NYTimes and there was an article about how the effects of Chernobyl are affecting the animals inhabiting the area more than they had previously thought.

This got me thinking about an article that I had read on Science-a-Go-Go (I'm such a dork) the other day. The article wasn't exactly current, as it was printed in '05, but it was pretty amazing. It told how nearly 20 years later, although humans cannot live there, nature is flourishing. Mother Earth does not recognize the high amount radiation in the air, and scientists haven't seen anything like that area in a long while. We do not allow nature to grow anymore... There is always this constant need to BUILD, BUILD, BUILD. Fuck that.

childhood nostalgia/unhatched life plans

I miss coming home after school and turning on Boy Meets World. I miss singing Sonny & Cher and James Taylor songs at the top of my lungs throughout my house. I miss dial-up Internet. I miss my biggest worry was whether or not my mom was going to call me in for dinner during the peak of our neighborhood game of "release."

I remember when I was sixteen or so I thought I was a super bad ass. My life consisted of going on high-rides on "The Track," a renown road amongst high school students (and now Peters Township Police) located in the rolling hills of Pennsylvania, playing lacrosse, driving around listening to Belle and Sebastian and American Analog Set with my boyfriend at the time and going to the Warhol every Sunday with him, riding the trolley downtown, drunk off red wine discussing ridiculous scenarios. I had ideas racing through my head all the time. I was so much more creative than I am now. I was drawing more often. I made most if not all of my clothing; if I hadn't made it, it was altered into the most ridiculous creation ever. I was so goddamn carefree All I wanted to do with my life was make clothing for people and just be on my own. I couldn't wait to grow up, go to school at Parson's, graduate, open up my own boutique, blah blah blah blah blah...

Always one to follow my dreams, I decided to apply for summer Parson's one day. I got accepted into their art program, went there not knowing a single soul, met some of the most beautiful, down-to-earth people in the world, lived in the heart of Greenwich Village, and I had hands down I think the best summer of my lifetime. Imagine being six-fucking-teen free to run around the biggest city in our country.

I never once made my way out towards Times Square.
Too many tourists.

So many memories running around Alphabet City and the LES watching all the hot skater boys do their thing, talking to strangers and just hearing their stories, seeing Ryan Adams and Parker Posey chillin on their front porch nearly every day on the way home from classes, being on a first-name basis with all the homeless people and musicians in Washington Square Park, going to the Saturday flea markets I had read about for years in Teen Vogue... if I could only go back. Although some of my raddest and most memorable experiences, I realized how much more I just like visiting New York City as opposed to living there, realized how pretentious the field of fashion was (or possibly just the entire Parson's population) realized I still couldn't wait to grow up and get the fuck out of high school...

I came here not knowing a single soul, made wonderful friends and memories, but recently I feel as if I am on auto-pilot. Hearing the words that I will be graduating AGAIN slightly freaked me out. Where did all this time go and where was I during it all? What the fuck? Didn't I just graduate like 2 years ago?

When Ceec died it hit me pretty hard and I told myself I would never waste a day again in my life. I would appreciate my time on this earth more. I started reading more. I applied to tutor homeless children every week. Went through that training. Joined an organization to help re-build areas damaged by Katrina. I started drawing more, started writing more, I think I made a better conversationalist... I was never just "sitting around" or a boring person.

I've been doing that so much these past two semesters; I have taken on such a heavy workload (for me) and I just almost feel jaded in a way. Anyone who knows me knows I often get epiphanies and today I had one. This one is a little larger than usual, but epiphany nonetheless. My dad went to medical school in Rome for 9 years, and since hearing stories and everything, I had always wanted so bad to do something like that. Since I am obviously not pursuing a medical degree, I figured why not take baby steps and just sort of go live in another country following graduation.

I want to go somewhere in Europe, that way I am free to virtually see a number of various places, simply by hopping on a train or ferry. I would also like to make my way to England to see Victoria. There are just so many beautiful spots that I am stoked to see while I am over there.

I sort of planned out how I would like my next few years to go, and although I am really not a planner, I hope it works out. It will work out. Before I get out into the "real world," I would like to get to be my sixteen year old self again, traveling to some unknown area alone, running around exploring all there is to see and embracing all the people there are to meet. Except this time on an entirely new continent. Doin' it!

detroit annie, hitchhiking.

her words pour out as if her throat were a broken artery
and her mind were cut-glass, carelessly handled.
you imagine her in a huge velvet hat with great
dangling black feathers,
but she shaves her head instead
and goes for three-day midnight walks.
sometimes she goes down to the dock and dances
off the end of it, simply to prove her belief

that people who
can-
not
walk on water are phonies
.... or dead.

when she is cruel, she is very, very
cool and when she is kind she is lavish...

fisherman think perhaps she's a fish,
but they're all fools.
she figured out that the only way
to keep from being frozen was to
stay in motion, and long ago converted
most of her flesh into liquid.

now when she smells danger,
she spills herself all over,
like gasoline, and lights it.

she leaves the taste
of salt
and iron
under
your
tongue,
... but you don't mind.

the common woman is as common
as the reddest wine.

ceecs light

"he said ani, you've gotten tough
'cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when I'm approached in a dark alley
I don't lift my skirt
in this city
self-preservation
is a full time occupation
I'm determined
to survive on this shore
you know I don't
avert my eyes anymore

in a man's world
I am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around I have found
they will stop at nothing
once they know what you are worth
talk to me now...

I played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and I was blessed with a birth and a death
and I guess I just want some say in between
don't you understand
in the day to day
and the face to face
I have to act
just as strong as I can
just to preserve a place
where I can be who I am
so if you still know how
talk to me now"

I was walking home from class and this song came on my iPod. Although it's pretty cold and the wind is ruthless, I can feel Candice's warmth in this beautiful sunshine. I like to think that the sun is simply her laugh and smile alone. =) This will forever be her song.

25 things i hate about facebook

I remember when I was younger and everyone was still down with postage stamps girls from my circle of friends and my Brownie troop would send out those "chain letters" and you had to send it to ten people and blah blah blah. I remember it being fun and exciting and I usually participated in them. Then once the age of the Internet arrived, we got AOL at my house and my friends would send me those e-chain letters that'd say, "ScRoLL aNd MaKe a WiSh!!!" I fucking loved that stuff. I always wished to marry JC Chasez from *NSYNC... kinda glad that didn't come true.

But even so back in those days it was a luxury to go online for at most an hour, go on AIM, talk to my friends for a little bit, and then sign off with a way-cool "g2g" because my mom needed to use the telephone (oh, dial-up). Now I feel like people (including myself) use the internet as the main source of communication. It's always struck me as funny when peoples profiles on Facebook are as lengthy as they are; I came across some girl from my hometown with I think two paragraphs from each section. Why is there this constant need to tell people all these things about yourself?

A few weeks ago one of those little chain letters made many a news article. It was the most passed around chain letter or "Facebook note" in history. I think something like 5 million people participated in this thing. I am so confused as to why on a social networking site where I can read your activities, interests, favorite movies, books, music, quotes AND read your little "about me" section, there is a reason you are writing 25 things about yourself.

I don't give a shit if you prefer your bagels with locks sans cream cheese or if your favorite show is The Hills.

That shit is pointless. What is your passion? Why is your favorite book your favorite book? What's the coolest thing that has ever happened to you, besides like, you getting a free tanning package? Self consumption, mass consumption, I don't care for it.

some creature fear

www.sorry-mom.com

best website ever.

christmas mix #1

seems like a lot of people are doing this, but whatevs

1. all i want for christmas is us - tristan prettyman/jason mraz
2. have yourself a merry little christmas - coldplay
3. its christmas time - yo la tengo
4. hey parker, its christmas - ryan adams
5. holly jolly christmas - martin sexton (love him)
6. all i want for christmas is you - mariah carey (duh)
7. lo, how a rose e're blooming - feist
8. happy christmas (war is over) - john lennon
9. silent night - dr. john
10. it feels like christmas - al green
11. up on the housetop - jackson 5
12. goin home for christmas - merle haggard
13. winter wonderland - aretha franklin
14. christmas must be tonight - the band
15. carol of the bells - bird and the bee
16. silent night - ween
17. run rudolph run - chuck berry
18. all that i want - the weepies
19. soulful christmas - james brown
20. xmas cake - rilo kiley
21. jingle bells - booker t
22. a change at christmas - the flaming lips

most recent playlist

Shit I've been listening to.

Flume - Bon Iver
Don't Wait For The Needle To Drop - Dosh
Noni's Field - Anathallo
Walking Down The Line - Arlo Guthrie
Hawaii - Meiko
Murderer - Low
Single Ladies (Mayberry Remix) - Party Ben
Libraries - Seabear
Over Retired Explorer - The Weakerthans
Creeper - Islands
Never Stops - Deerhunter
Rescue Me - Aretha Franklin
Song For The Rich - Tristan Prettyman
White As Diamonds - Alela Diane (may be my new obsession)
Hearts and Minds - Matt Pond PA
Little Plastic Castles - Ani DiFranco
Long Journey Home - Cornmeal
Come On Santa - The Ravonettes
In The Hot, Hot Rays - Fleet Foxes
Red Hot Drops - Chad VanGaalen
Quiet Houses - Fleet Foxes
How Lucky We Are - Meiko
That Tattoo Isn't Funny Anymore - Owen
Cross Oceans - First Aid Kit
Up The Middle - Buck 65
The Number Song - DJ Shadow
The White Unicorn - Wolfmother
Play With Fire - Johnny Thunders
Running In Faith - Eric Clapton
Sweet About Me - Gabriella Climi
Chemo Limo - Regina Spektor
Til It Happens To You - Corinne Bailey Rae (I will always be obsessed with this song)
Season Of The Witch - Dr. John

jimmy fallon

So last spring they announced that Jimmy Fallon is to replace Conan O'Brien in early next year (I think February or March? I'm not too concerned). Jimmy Fallon is one of the most annoying people I've ever watched. He laughs at his own jokes, he ruined virtually every scene he was ever in, and is (dare I say) a bit too animated. He always has and always will be the guy that could never stay in character or deliver a good line. However, he is still about to replace one of the funniest people today.

So Lorne Michaels I guess is trying out this new thing, where Jimmy Fallon holds a weekly webcast getting the public ready for what is going to be one of the worst late-night shows ever. I decided to give it a go, because I thought, well maybe he got a bit funnier. He is actually quite the opposite. While he still manages to "overuse" his hands while talking, he is not exactly trying to be funny. He basically just shows you what the studio looks like, and at the end introduces the audience to his future house band, The Roots.

What are they thinking? Really?

beautiful words

blossom
kangaroo
chimes
delicate
mother
peace
epiphany
myrrh (maybe cause i like saying "merrrr" a lot)
inspissate
marigold
laughter
peek-a-boo
melody
twinkle
plethora (so good)
quintessential
whisper
meander
lovely
porcelain
obsequious
sycamore
aestivate
sunshine
elysium
cozy
champagne
malignant
fragile
destiny
freedom
serendipity
butterfly
renaissance
persnickety (my favorite word ever)

i will probably think of more

fuck off wikipedia

So I was writing a piece talking about how the Internet as a news outlet is becoming less and less legit. Online news blogs, wikipedia, all that good stuff. I decided to make a Wikipedia to see how long it stayed up to prove just how legitimate the site really is. This was what it said:

The cutest and coolest girl not only on the North American continent, but Earth as a whole. Born on August 31, 1988, Laura graced the entire planet with her grace, intelligence and all around liveliness. She is a plethora of knowledge, and has written stories ranging from airline travel during the holiday seasons, reality television to her most recent, a fabrication of a peyote trip that took place in Omaha, Nebraska. Laura is currently dabbling in free lance writing while studying journalism at Columbia College Chicago.

In my opinion, I didn't say anything that was false, I don't need to worry about any copyright or sources (maybe where it says "coolest girl" cause I'm sure some may disagree) so what's the issue? I originally had it as the first two lines just for shits and giggles; I realized I would have to have some sort of seriousness thrown in there, which is why I added the bit about where I am attending school and shit like that. Maybe the fact that I mentioned my peyote story I'm working on, but even so Wikipedia isn't even accepted in any form of academic sourcing so if they aren't technically legit, why can't they allow me to have my own outlet via their website? Pretty much what Wikipedia just did could be described as the ultimate rejection. I'll be back in a few years, just give me some time.

how to tell if you're sitting behind an asshole on an airplane

I found this in my files as I was deleting things. I think this was meant to be posted.

I’m sitting in LAX waiting for my connecting flight to get back to Chicago. As I was sitting here staring at the guy from Varsity Blues who is on my flight for whatever reason (why couldn’t it have been Shia LeBouf?), I got to thinking about my flight from Maui to Los Angeles. I’m a pretty easy-going person for the most part, but there are certain things you just don’t do. Some of these things may vary, as I’m sure not everyone agrees on some things that I find dreadful and bad mannered. However, fucking ask me if you can recline your seat all the way back on a six hour flight, dickbag.

I’m sure mostly everyone I know has been on an airplane at least once in his or her lives. Given that simple knowledge, think back to how uncomfortable airplanes usually are (unless you’re riding first class, but even so the chairs are just softer and wider). Now imagine this:

--- You’re on a five and a half hour redeye flight over the Pacific Ocean, and you’re watching season 2 of Weeds on your laptop. You begin to doze off since it is like 1 AM or something like that and you’re enjoying a nice little snooze. All of a sudden your laptop falls to your lap, the plastic tray in front of you forces itself into your thigh, and part of the water that you had been drinking spills all over your lap and just barely misses your laptop. On top of all of that, you’ve just been woken up. In your sleepy haze you try to understand what just happened; it takes you a minute but you realize the asshole sitting in front of you decided to fully recline without talking it over with you first.

Now I’m not sure if anyone is as much of a bitch as I am when I have been woken up, but naturally I was fucking pissed. What was this guy thinking? Aside from him, the lady next to me was sprawled out, arm crossing over the line which can be recognized as the arm rest. Fed up, I packed my laptop back up, placed the cup in the pocket of the seat, and proceeded to do what any noble lady would do: I kicked my feet up and pushed with all my might.

After a minute or so of struggles, my short but forceful legs finally got him to an upright position where I was comfortable enough to remain where I was. In the meantime, a movie had started on the television screen. I hadn’t ever heard of it, but it was nearly impossible for me to continue watching Weeds as I had been prior to this catastrophe. Removing my headphones from my iPod to place them in the outlet on my arm rest (which was yet another feat since the ladys arm was still pretty much conquering it) so I could hear the film, he begins to squirm. He starts rocking back and forth, almost forcing me to give in. My knees felt like they were going to buckle several times but I refused to let him take over the minimal space I had. I looked around to see if maybe I was just being a bitch, but nobody else on the fully packed airplane seemed to be as reclined as he was.

I resumed my focus to the film, which was quite good in fact, despite the many interruptions, due to this guy not being able to recline. There was one point where he literally turned around, stood up, and sat down forcefully. I pretended to sleep this entire time all the while using all my strength to make sure his chair was upright. I think the term for my actions is called “passive aggression”. I think the term for his actions is “rude”, so it evens out. Bottom line, if you want to invade someone’s personal space, maybe ask them if it’s okay with them first. It usually won’t be.

caution moving walkway is nearing its end

I think that a true test of how much patience one actually does have is to travel in airports during the holidays.

Take Me As I Am - Wyclef
What A Wonderful World - Katie Melua & Eva Cassidy
My Lover Will Go - Ane Brun
Trouble - Ray LaMontagne
Make Me Stay - Ani DiFranco
Preparedness - The Bird and The Bee
Life In The Rain - Quantic
Gonna Have A Funky Good Time - James Brown
Nematode - Lotus
When I Go - Brett Dennen
The Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash
Ocean - John Butler Trio (one of the most amazing guitar solos I've ever heard)
Mr. Big Stuff - Jean Knight
Lost Woman Song - Ani DiFranco
Pick Yer Nose - Ani DiFranco
Paper Thin Walls - Modest Mouse
California Soul - Marlena Shaw
Til It Happens To You - Corrinne Bailey Rae (obsessed with this song)